she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
