6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
