Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
