Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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