Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
