We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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