I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
