Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
