Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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