Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
