Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
