and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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