Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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