True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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