mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
