did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
