im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
