I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
