This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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