it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
