3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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