i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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