I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
