There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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