his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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