Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
