I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
