i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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