checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
