rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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