You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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