I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
