did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
