It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
