i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
