remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize