Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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