I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
