I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
