I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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