I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
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