at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
