I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
