No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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