ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize