Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
