dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
