thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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