carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
