where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
