I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
