Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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