im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize