apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
