I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Randomize
