went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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