I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
