Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
