Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
