I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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